There have been a few triggering moments in my life where I slipped back into people-pleasing, sometimes it lasts a couple of months, other times a few years and now with a bit more awareness and practice it only lasts a few days.
As women we are natural givers, we love to nurture the people around us often to the detriment of ourselves. One small kind gesture, one after the other can easily add up especially if we forget that we are the key to having a life we want.
It’s just so easy to offer support to others. From your schedule going out the window to letting your mind take over your thoughts, sucking the energy out of each day, anxiety about all the things that keep piling up, worrying about what others think, and even the desire to want to fit in.
I want to share with you today my three top tips to start the unraveling of people-pleasing from your life.
The journey is one that takes time to perfect, with plenty of trial and error but the end game is so sweet. You are living a life where you are shining bright with plenty of energy time for a yin-yoga class and most importantly the confidence in yourself.
3 Tips to help you stop People Pleasing
No.1 – Understand your Values
One of the most common themes for a lot of us is that over time we forget who we really are. For example, do you really love the beach, or is it something your partner loves, and after going every weekend for 10 years it kinda feels like it is a part of you now too. What if every time you go you kinda don’t love it, it’s an alright thing to do but deep down you yearn for other adventures?
When it comes to people-pleasing knowing what you do and don’t like goes a long way. Often it takes a bit of trial and error for us to know what those things are but I can guarantee that you do know what you don’t like more than what you do. To set your values look at things that get you a little upset, or don’t feel right – what is it about them that is not right. So what would be your value in that situation – Perhaps you respect your time, finances or energy.
Outline what are your values – what do you hold sacred?
No. 2 – Pausing
People pleasing is just so easy for us to slip into because quite often it is actually a reaction. One that we have done over and over again, which has now morphed into a habit. We instinctively jump up to help without even realising. I can put my hand up loud and proud to say that it took me some time to not move from a place of reaction.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to take a big breath and allow some space before you jump in and save the day. Ask yourself is it really necessary for me to do xyz? From that brief moment feel into your answer before responding. Perhaps your friends car just broke down and you are half-way through a very important meeting. Unless it is life and death, I am sure that your friend would understand that you need to finish up what you are doing before you can drive 30min down the road to pick her up or in that moment you could offer a solution of someone else to drop her off to your office.
We don’t need to be the hero every time.
No.3 – Drop the excuses and learn how to say NO
Did you know that NO can be a full sentence? Oh yes, for many guilty people pleasers it’s oh so easy to keep talking almost as if you are drowning the other person wth endless words because you are so frightened of actually saying no. It’s just so important for anyone to practice how to articulate NO!
If you do feel the need to offer a reason why you have decided to do whatever it is – sure go ahead and give a short one-liner. You really just don’t want to keep talking and talking. What I have seen play out is that a people pleaser will inevitable talk themselves into doing whatever it is that someone asked simply because they were trying to get out of it and couldn’t get the words out and just give up.
Well guess what – the more you say NO. The more you start to feel confident in yourself, what you believe in and that you have value.
These simple tips will get you off on the right start of ditching people pleasing once and for all. Be kind on yourself and remember it’s a journey and it will take time to practice, a little trial and error but the reward is so big. That self-confidence of yours is waiting to walk this earth fully in its power.