Approval Addiction the underlying cause of the disease to please

The days are becoming shorter, and the autumn leaves are turning rapidly here in the Scottish Highlands. There’s a push to squeeze the last out of these days outdoors, yet also a pull to begin going inward. Winter always feels like a time for rest and rejuvenation, and honestly, it's my most creative season.

What's all this got to do with approval? Well, I know what I need, what my body is calling for, and there's no longer a need to seek external guidance on what I should be doing or what's next for me.

But my life didn’t always flow like this...

There was a time when I was addicted to approval. I constantly sought validation from those around me—that my ideas were good, that I should follow through with something bold or different, or even straightening my hair just to fit in. Oh, and thank goodness thin eyebrows are no longer a thing because I plucked mine into oblivion! What have you done to fit in or gain approval?

One of my greatest qualities—giving my all to whatever I do—also became a point of exploitation. I had bosses who took advantage of my goodwill, but I was the one who kept going above and beyond, time and again. I stayed late, covered shifts, and found it impossible to say no. I needed to feel indispensable.

Then came a moment of reckoning. I was on a break, and my boss was casually flipping through resumes of new candidates, planning to let go of those who weren’t meeting her standards. Curious, I asked a question, only to be met with a statement that I’ll never forget: “Everyone is replaceable.”

It struck me like a blow. For two years, I had worked myself to the bone, trying to be the best. I had sacrificed my health, coming in sick, enduring guilt at the thought of calling in. And here I was, learning that I was just as replaceable as anyone else. I remember one instance when I had food poisoning halfway through a shift—I ran to the bathroom to vomit and informed my manager. Her only response was, "Did you wash your hands?" Instead of sending me home, I was expected to finish my shift.

The things we do for approval.

Approval Addiction is when we do or say things to gain a sense of belonging, to reassure ourselves that what we’re doing is right or acceptable, driven by fear of rejection. Many of us can trace the origins of this pattern to childhood. But it’s not about blaming our parents. Instead, it's about recognising that approval-seeking starts early.

As children, we long to see our parents smile. That smile lets us know we’ve done something good. If we eat all our food at nine months old, we're fussed over and praised. This continues through adolescence, reinforcing the cycle. But what no one teaches us is how crucial it is to find our own way and trust our inner guidance system. When we know ourselves, we aren’t undone by others’ opinions.

I’m fortunate to have two children, each completely different. One of them constantly seeks my encouragement, needing reassurance that they’re on the right path. The other, on the other hand, knows exactly who they are without hesitation. While I laugh with frustration sometimes, I also applaud their self-assurance. It’s a reminder that the key is to surround ourselves with people who uplift and complement who we truly are. As a family, we navigate this journey as best we can, and though I’m sure I’ll make mistakes, the foundation is clear:

Trust your inner guidance.

No one else knows what you need more than you do. You shouldn’t have to seek approval for your personal desires or for being who you are. You deserve to live fully expressed, free, and happy.

When we constantly seek approval, we live in a state of heightened anxiety. We're always looking outward, trying to gauge how others perceive us. Even typing that sounds exhausting. Approval addiction is draining.

Here’s what you can do about it:

1. Recognise Your Patterns
   The first step is awareness. Start noticing when and where you seek approval. Do you need praise at work? Are you hesitant to speak your mind around friends for fear of judgement? Once you can identify these patterns, you can begin to break them.
2. Practice Self-Validation
   Develop the habit of asking yourself if you're happy with your decisions, rather than looking for external validation. Start with small things, like asking, "Do I like this?" when picking out clothes or planning your day. Over time, this will build your confidence in your own judgement.
3. Set Boundaries
   Learn to say no. Saying no doesn’t make you less valuable or likeable; in fact, it shows self-respect. Start by setting small boundaries and honouring them. You'll find that people respect you more when you respect yourself.
4. Surround Yourself with Supportive People
   Your environment matters. Surround yourself with people who accept and appreciate you for who you are. When you're around others who don’t constantly critique or demand validation, it’s easier to break the cycle.
5. Give Yourself Permission to Disappoint
   It's impossible to please everyone, and that’s okay. Give yourself permission to disappoint others when needed. It doesn’t make you selfish; it makes you human. Remind yourself that your worth is not determined by other people’s opinions of you.

By trusting your inner guidance and reducing the grip of approval addiction, you’ll step into a more empowered, authentic version of yourself—one that doesn’t need to be validated by anyone but you.