When They Don’t See It: How to Help Someone Who’s Struggling

There is nothing worse than watching someone you love or care about struggle while feeling powerless to help them. The worry consumes your thoughts. You run through conversations in your head, wondering what you could say or do to make a difference. But what happens when they can’t see (or won’t admit) that they need help? How do you support them without pushing them away?

I know this struggle firsthand.

I had a friend who was going through a wild time. She had just ended a long-term relationship because she was no longer happy, but in the aftermath, she turned to binge drinking. At first, I saw it as her way of letting loose and releasing emotions after the breakup. But soon, it became her new normal.

Weekends blurred into stories of drunken mischief, and before long, the drinking spilled into weeknights too. It wasn’t just social drinking anymore—it was a way for her to check out, to numb what she was feeling. I watched her spiral, and I felt helpless.

I wanted to help her. At first, I did what I thought was best—shoving advice down her throat, telling her she was drinking too much, warning her about the dangers of alcohol. I thought if I just told her how bad it was, she’d realise and stop.

I was wrong.

She pulled away. She stopped confiding in me as much. She continued drinking, and our friendship became strained. I didn’t understand that I was approaching it all wrong. I was trying to fix her when what she really needed was someone to see her, to understand the pain behind the drinking.

Months passed, and things didn’t change for her. But something changed in me. I realised that:

1. She was responsible for herself, and unless she was in immediate danger, I couldn’t force her to change.

2. Supporting someone doesn’t mean lecturing them. Support can be a hug, a meal, a listening ear, or simply being there.

It took some time for me to change my approach to her, I didn't want to lose my friendship so I set some healthy boundaries around supporting her. And since becoming a therapist, I’ve learned even more about how to help someone who doesn’t see they need help. Here are five key things I wish I had known back then.

Ways to support someone who is struggling:

1. Accept That You Can’t “Fix” Them—But You Can Support Them

One of the hardest things to accept is that you can’t force someone to see they need help. No matter how much you love them, their healing or change has to be on their terms.

• Shift your focus from trying to “fix” them to being a safe, consistent presence.

• Control what you can: Your words, your actions, and how you respond to them.

• Remind yourself that their journey is their own, but they don’t have to walk it alone.

This shift in perspective helps you step out of the role of “rescuer” and instead become someone who supports without expectation or force.

2. Focus on Small Moments, Not Big Confrontations

If you’re waiting for the perfect moment to sit them down and convince them they need help, you might be waiting forever. Instead:

✔️ Look for small openings—a passing comment, a moment of frustration, or when they seem a little more open.
✔️ Be casual—pressure makes people shut down. Instead of “We need to talk about your mental health,” try “I’ve noticed you seem really drained lately—what’s been going on?”
✔️ Keep planting seeds—even if they don’t respond today, your words might stick with them for when they’re ready.

People are more likely to listen when they feel safe, not cornered.

3. Offer Help in a Way That Feels Easy for Them

When someone is struggling, even reaching out for help can feel impossible. Instead of vague offers (“Let me know if you need anything”), try:

✔️ Taking action without asking: If they’re overwhelmed, drop off a meal, offer childcare, or handle a small errand.
✔️ Making help feel effortless: If they need professional support, don’t just suggest it—offer to find a therapist, drive them to an appointment, or sit with them while they make the call.
✔️ Matching their energy: If deep conversations feel too much, just be there in a casual way—watch a movie, go for a walk, or grab a coffee together.

4. Set Boundaries So You Don’t Burn Out

When you love someone who is struggling, it’s natural to want to give them everything. But you can’t pour from an empty cup.

✔️ Check in with yourself: If their situation is consuming your thoughts 24/7, take a step back.
✔️ Know the difference between support and sacrifice: You can help someone without destroying your own mental health.
✔️ Get your own support: Whether it’s a therapist, a support group, or trusted friends—YOU need a space to process, too.

Being there for someone doesn’t mean losing yourself in the process.

5. Know When to Step In (Even If They Don’t Want You To)

There’s a difference between someone who’s struggling but functioning and someone who is at risk. If you’re seriously worried for their safety, don’t wait for them to ask for help.

🚨 If they’re showing signs of severe mental distress (suicidal thoughts, self-harm, substance abuse spiraling, complete withdrawal), it’s okay to intervene.
✔️ Call a crisis line for advice.
✔️ Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional.
✔️ In urgent cases, don’t be afraid to seek professional help on their behalf.

Sometimes, stepping in is necessary. It might make them angry in the moment, but in the long run, it could save their life.

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Watching someone struggle when they can’t see (or admit) they need help is incredibly painful. But you are not powerless. Your patience, presence, and quiet persistence can make more of a difference than you realise.

Looking back, I wish I had understood this when I was trying to help my friend. I wish I had spent less time trying to “fix” her and more time just being there. Because sometimes, the best way to help is to remind someone they are not alone.

If this post resonated with you, know that you are doing the best you can. And that’s enough. 💙