Why People Pleaser’s Don’t See Themselves As Equal

One of the most common problems I have witnessed for people pleasers is that they don’t see themselves equally with the people around them. Thus ending up in a cycle of needing to prove themselves to another, and after time they lose a sense of self due to the continual waiting for a response from the other person to validate their actions. A total life sucker. 

This is something we have all done throughout life, it starts in early childhood. However, depending on the development of the child they will either keep this behavioural pattern close and on hand or release it and only revert back when required. Think about when you were a small child 4-5 years old, your parents were your caretakers – they were the ones that provided you security in life – home, food, and love. Relying on them to nurture your needs, they were our all mighty big people. In this scenario, we were a small child and they were a big adult.

During these years we created responses to their actions/needs in order to see the smile on their face, be rewarded with a hug or get a treat. This is the beginning of our need to please. As we grow-up, there are those that spread their wings with a sense of freedom and those that continue to seek out a response of what we are doing is right. 

When I was in my mid-twenties I had a job as a chef at a luxury retreat house, I was head of the kitchen and of myself. Until one day, one of the other staff became the new person to report to, they came with enthusiasm and an endless list of suggestions. She nurtured me, helped with tasks, and one day all of a sudden I felt like I was no longer in charge, she had come in and played a role of authority in my space and immediately I abided by what she said instead of trusting my gut on some of the situations. 

The relationship strained, it wasn’t until I had an EFT session with a fellow colleague that we worked out that I saw her as someone greater than me. I responded by becoming small in the scenario, I was not her equal, I felt helpless, stuck and not heard. We were both grown women, yes there were several years in between us. But I reverted back to being a child. Which meant in my world – to abide by the rules, don’t upset people, and avoid conflict. 

These scenarios are all too common for people-pleasers, so why does this happen?

BEING SMALL (ROLE OF A CHILD)

When you are feeling small you are more often than not reverting back to the role of a child. 

This is where complete vulnerability lies, often guarded and controlled, as a people pleaser you can’t often show displays of emotion to everyone. Thus keeping emotions inside because you see them as inferior to those that you are in the company with. Or you may display emotional outbursts  on the odd occasion and passive-aggressive behaviours to get attention.

In the diagram below is what we perceive ourselves to be – in the childlike state when we don’t see others as equal to us, We deem them far greater than ourselves, they can be – parents, partners, colleagues, bosses, teachers, friends or any authority figure. 

This response to play the role of a child was created by you to protect yourself, your feelings and emotions or to get what you want. Usually a disruption to development alters the persons capability to learning new responses as they grow in maturity, instead they are set back a few years.  Trauma can cause a role in this – though I believe that trauma is caused by  a disruption to one’s understanding of one’s life.

However at times, these kinds of relationships can benefit a person – for example, children, a serious illness occurs, navigating grief, trauma or even a common cold for a few days.  It’s safe to revert back to the childlike role to be nurtured when it is called for but not a role to play in everyday situations that keep us feeling inferior to others.